Love, Cyanide and Women Victims of Emotional Manipulation

Six months ago, Nani Apriliani Nurjaman sent cyanide satay to Yohanes Tomi Astanto out of disappointment. Last week, the two met face-to-face online in court. This story is an example of how women are defeated in toxic relationships or toxic relationship.

This case shocked Yogyakarta, because the cyanide poisoned satay was misdirected. The son of the online ojek driver who sent the satay died after his father brought the satay home, because the intended recipient refused.

On Thursday (21/10), Nani underwent a trial in the case involving her from the Women’s Correctional Institution, Wonosari, Gunungkidul. Meanwhile, Tomi, who listened to Nani’s lament, sat as a witness at the Bantul District Court, Yogyakarta.

The pandemic caused the trial to be held online, with the defendant in the Wonosari Women's Prison, Gunungkidul.  (Photo: Mouab/Nurhadi)

The pandemic caused the trial to be held online, with the defendant in the Wonosari Women’s Prison, Gunungkidul. (Photo: Mouab/Nurhadi)

“Thank you for the years we have spent together with great love, your great affection. Your great care,” said Nani.

The judge did allow Nani to express her heart. So that the woman was free to reveal what she called an extraordinary lie from Tomi’s sweet mouth. Based on that testimony, it turns out that the two have been in a love relationship since 2017. At the beginning of the courtship, Nani said, there was talk about plans to get married. What he doesn’t know is that in September 2017, Tomi, who is also a police officer at the Yogyakarta Regional Police, married another woman.

According to Nani, their relationship is still ongoing until the beginning of this year. Tomi himself admits that even though he is married, he still meets Nani.

Yohanes Tomi Astanto, a member of the Yogyakarta Regional Police, was sworn in as a witness in the trial of the cyanide satay case at Bantul District Court, DI Yogyakarta, Thursday, October 21, 2021. (Photo: Mouab/Nurhadi Sucahyo)

Yohanes Tomi Astanto, a member of the DIY Regional Police, was sworn in as a witness in the trial of the cyanide satay case at the Bantul District Court, DI Yogyakarta, Thursday, October 21, 2021. (Photo: Mouab/Nurhadi Sucahyo)

“Sometimes we meet, invite to eat but rarely,” he said at the trial.

According to Tomi’s confession, the last time they met was in February 2021. Nani told me that she had repeatedly asked for marriage vows, but the man kept on dodging, among other things, citing religious differences.

Until Nani’s patience ran out, and she sent the cyanide poisoned satay on April 25, 2021. A few days later Nani was caught, and named a suspect.

“The motive is hurt, because the target is to marry someone else,” said the Director of General Criminal Investigation at the Yogyakarta Regional Police, Kombes Burkan Rudy Satriya at the Bantul Police Headquarters, Monday, May 3, 2021.

The trap Toxic Relationship

The case that happened to Nani and Tomi, is one related example toxic relationship or toxic relationships. Although there is cyanide in these two people’s romance, but the poison in question dalam toxic relationship is something invisible to the eye, namely the unhealthy nature of the relationship.

Lillian Glass, an expert and author of books in the United States, discusses about toxic relationship in his book published in 1995, “Toxic People”. He displays, toxic relationship is a relationship built on conflict, competition, and the need for one person to control another. This kind of relationship is not healthy, because the relationship is not built with sincere feelings. In certain cases, this condition can also be physically dangerous for the partner who is the victim.

Dwi Lestari, program staff at PKBI DI Yogyakarta.  (Photo: Private Dock)

Dwi Lestari, program staff at PKBI DI Yogyakarta. (Photo: Private Dock)

Dwi Lestari, program staff at the Indonesian Family Planning Association (PKBI) DI Yogyakarta agrees to classify this story as toxic relationship. This man, said Dwi, already has a partner or wife, but also has Nani as a lover.

“That means there is a dual relationship. And when it happened, one might say relationshipIt’s very unhealthy, because this man is trying to manipulate his wife’s feelings, as well as his girlfriend,” said Dwi to FLY, Monday (25/10).

In such a relationship, there will be lies and the process of giving certain promises. The woman is willing to endure, because the process is up to a point where she can no longer accept it.

Dwi says, toxic relationship we are very much found in the community. As an institution that also provides family consultations, PKBI DIY also receives counseling related to this issue.

In the last case, which even went to court, said Dwi, actually the community must also be fair to Nani. It doesn’t stop at the cyanide poison, but it is also necessary to examine what happened, so that the woman acted like that. Dwi said that Nani is an example of a woman who is a victim of male manipulation. Because of the manipulation, Nani wants to last for a long time.

“We need to see how he can do that, because there is anger. How has he been lied to for years, and it turns out that this man already has a wife,” said Dwi.

On the other hand, Nani’s decision to send poisoned food is also unfortunate. Dwi suggests, for women who are in toxic relationship similar, in order to find a counselor. There are many institutions throughout Indonesia that are concerned with this kind of issue. Better solutions will certainly be found, for example by contacting or reporting the perpetrator to the agency where he works to seek a solution.

Dwi added, whatever the solution, counseling is the best choice for women victims toxic relationship. He also reminded, anyone, from the age group of teenagers or adults, should avoid toxic relationship.

Ethics Must Be Upheld

YCW activist, Baharuddin Kamba.  (Mouab/Nurhadi photo)

YCW activist, Baharuddin Kamba. (Mouab/Nurhadi photo)

One thing was questioned by Baharuddin Kamba from Jogjakarta Police Watch, namely that there were no ethical issues in this case, to Tomi as a member of the Yogyakarta Regional Police. Kamba admitted that Tomi had undergone an examination, but he did not see that an ethics trial had not been carried out on him.

In the early days of this case, there were allegations of a serial marriage between the two. One of them came from Nani’s close neighbor. However, the police denied the alleged serial marriage.

Kamba asserted, as a state apparatus, of course, Tomi is prohibited from having an unregistered marriage. If indeed the case is dating, he continued, ethics should be prioritized in handling it.

“If it’s just a relationship, I think it’s ethical, right? Police code of ethics. Having an illicit relationship, especially since he already has a family. Having a relationship with another woman is a violation of ethics, morals, right,” Kamba said FLY.

A heart-shaped candle is displayed at the Museum of Broken Relationships in Pristina, Kosovo, May 3, 2018. (Photo: AP)

A heart-shaped candle is displayed at the Museum of Broken Relationships in Pristina, Kosovo, May 3, 2018. (Photo: AP)

He also admitted that there were other women’s roles that could give a different color to this case, namely reports from Tomi’s own wife.

“If his wife reports, she can be penalized. But so far I have seen no reports,” said Kamba.

Without ethical enforcement in this case, continued Kamba, the police were impressed to let their members act as Tomi did. That is, there is notification and notification, which will indirectly also make the public aware of such actions.

This case should be a lesson for the police in the future, especially regarding the supervision of their members.

“I think this can be a future correction, as a moment to improve. Internal controls must be strengthened. There is Paminal, Internal Security under Propam or Provost. It’s just strengthened,” he continued.

Not Just About Romance

The pandemic caused the trial to be held online, with the defendant in the Wonosari Women's Prison, Gunungkidul.  (Photo: Mouab/Nurhadi)

The pandemic caused the trial to be held online, with the defendant in the Wonosari Women’s Prison, Gunungkidul. (Photo: Mouab/Nurhadi)

Toxic relationshipOf course, it’s not just about love. Professor Yayi Suryo Prabandari, a psychologist who is also a professor at FKKMK UGM, discussed this in an online discussion some time ago.

He says, in the literature, toxic relationship known as relationship abuse. The definition is a relationship that is abused and causes unpleasant emotional, social, physical and sexual consequences.

“Toxic relationships sometimes go unnoticed in unhealthy friendships, relationships, and dating. So, toxic relationships are not just for husband and wife and dating. This relationship only benefits one party, harms oneself and can harm others,” said Yayi.

There are a number of pattern classifications toxic relationship. First, secure attachment which Yayi describes as feeling uncomfortable in his absence. Second, ambivalent anxiety, namely the relationship between feelings of pleasure and fear. The third is avoidance anxiety, a condition in which there is a desire to avoid, but cannot.

Signs toxic relationshipYayi continued, among others, manipulation, inconsistent, unwilling to apologize, not having empathy and sympathy, and just wanting to have fun. The risks are certainly not small, including anxiety and stress, trust problems, impaired mental health, disturbances in daily life, trauma, discomfort and insecurity.

Communication is important to prevent and overcome toxic relationship. Both parties must speak effectively or understand the message being conveyed. Second, assertive or rational.

“Assertive means firm, frank and if you can definitively say it. If we have talked, but it still happens, you should think long about staying in a relationship with that person, especially if you want to continue the relationship into marriage,” he said. [ns/ab]

Check Also

Two Suspected Sumatran Tiger Skin Sellers Arrested in Aceh

FLY — Head of the Balai Gakkum Sumatra Region Section I Medan, Haluanto Ginting, said …

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *